#29 - Many many things

It's been super long since I last posted. I always found blogging to be an escape, in a way. Tonight is one of those nights where I just have so much to say and I'm not sure who is willing to listen to me and I'm not sure if I want to bother anyone to listen to me.

I'm hoping I won't regret spending today slacking away, but we'd have to wait and see.

First off, there's this one thing that has been bothering me... I don't really know how to deal with it. Do I even need to deal with it? Have you ever felt this feeling, when you just met someone new, and you just feel like you never have enough time to talk to that person and to understand that person? Me being me, I can't help texting that person and attempting to continue our conversation where we left off. I just keep wanting to know more. And it's something I think I've never experienced...

I mean I have ever did that because I really like a person and kept wanting to talk to that person because I want to increase my liking towards him or something? But this is completely different. I'm pretty sure I have zero romantic feelings towards this person. But I can't help feeling so, so compelled to want to know him better, and I can't stand all this interference in between that is preventing that from happening.

I'm frightened by how great my desire is to know this person well. It was to the extent where it was consuming my thoughts. It was becoming unhealthy. I kept wondering, am I damn annoying and longwinded and stupid and nosy and everything bad? Why isn't he responding? Does he not want to know me as much as I want to know him? (Which is completely understandable but it bothered me.)

I distracted myself with work and reasoned that he is obviously busy with his own life. But ugh after seeing him and talking to him again, I have to fight these thoughts again. Why, why, why, what am I thinking and feeling? I'm so confused myself.

Am I wanting to be validated? Am I super attracted to talking to him cos he makes me feel good about myself? Is it because I never had such a good male friend ever? Is it because I just crave attention from someone whom I felt would grant me attention?

What in the world are you thinking, Celine? I don't even understand myself. I don't know what to do. It's bothering me so much because I can't understand it.

I'm losing myself, losing my focus. I want to call for help, but I don't know who I can turn to. Is this even an issue? What is happening to me... What am I trying to do? Were my judgments right? Am I pushing the limits? I'm losing myself in this. Maybe all I need to know is what you're feeling, thinking. How you function. Gosh.

I always had this obsession with finding out how things work, what makes things work. I crave to understand how people think, how they make decisions, how they react. It's making me go insane sigh.

Maybe that's just it. I can't stand not understanding how he works, how he functions and it makes me frustrated and wanting to find out more. But why is it so important to know how he is? I don't want to lose this friend? Is it because of my past experiences? Am I worried I would cause history to repeat itself?

I just... want to stop myself from this nonsensical yearning to chat with this person. But I also just want to know him so much better. His real self, if my judgment is right. But why is there this pressing need to know him so much better immediately? It's making me go insane. Because I don't understand my thoughts, and it annoys me, and also because I'm acting in a way that is scaring myself. And I'm letting it affect my life too much.

Ah forget it.



I also wanted to talk about my Godpa's passing. It still feels so surreal. I still think about being able to see you, Godpa. I never even got the chance to take a proper photo with you before. I haven't even got to know you better yet. It hurts, so damn badly. I can't imagine how it must be like for Godma. I'm struggling to type because I'm fighting back my tears.

I don't really remember how I came to be so special to be your goddaughter instead of just an ordinary niece. But I know I always went over to your house during the school holidays to play.

And I can't type anymore because I'm too overwhelmed by my sorrow..


Wonder if I'll regret typing such personal stuff but we'd see.