maybe we are wrong?
are we wrong?
are we in the wrong?
i know we're in the wrong.
we always were.

at least,
tell us why.
how to improve.
teach us.

no one tells us anything.

dejected.
rejected.
thrown aside.
uncared for.

do you understand us at all?
or are you not supposed to understand us?
are we inhuman?
or are we supposed to just react like we have no feelings at all?
we're just supposed to give in?
we're just supposed to sit there and do nothing?

tell me.

i don't know.
should i be angry?
or sad?

i think what i'm feeling now is what we call
misunderstood.

okay,
fine.
i admit,
i don't take care of my reed properly enough.
sometimes i just forgot that i'm standing close enough to hit someone with the reed.
people make mistakes, right?
i'm not perfect, you aren't either.

regarding the dropping of mouthpieces,
i know it was referring to chongrong's one.
because i saw talia saw that cr dropped her mouthpiece.
and HEY,
CHONGRONG WAS VERY REMORSEFUL OKAY.
YOU JUST DON'T KNOW.
DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
WE DON'T INTERACT AT ALL.
why?
why?

inunion...
means alot to me.
i have wanted to be accepted into band for a long time.
and this is the event when we get into main band officially.
we've been practising so hard, so hard.
have you ever seen jamie and wanyi practising for danzon?
i bet you never.
they were so desperate to get their solos right.
you didn't know,
you didn't bother.
i saw jamie & wanyi looking so sad.
i feel sad too.
i feel like crying.

i'm stressing so much because of inunion.
even though it's after exams.
why?
i care about my performance.
i want it to be excellent.
why?
i know i suck at playing.
i want to be my best.
i want the batch item to be great.
i'm memorizing the lyrics, you know?
on the bus, while shopping,
my sis says the song isn't nice,
& if you know me well, i care about my image - meaning i won't do what other people thinks is not nice.
i still continued memorizing.
why?
because i care.
i know my batchmates care as well,
yixian and keiko are both really willing to make the speech.
everyone is willing to contribute to the speech.

why can't you see?
why?

i know we always need to be told to help set up,
but,
you know why we wait?
i'm sure you experienced it before.
we're scared we do something wrong,
and get scolded, or even mocked at.
i have very low self-esteem, you know?

fine,
i'll take more initiative next time and tell the batch to help out.
will that do?

& i love my instru like hell okay.
even though it's older than me...
every instru is lovely.
this is my instru,
and i'll treasure it.
i'm really sorry about my previous 5 spoilt reeds.
but,
i'll take good care of my new one now,
especially since it is a 3 and a half reed.

perhaps our batch likes to pon band,
because we hate band.
but i really think the reason is that,
we are scared out of our wits whenever we come for band.
because of mr oura, the high standards, and you, directs.
do you know?
i think you know.
or have you forgotten?
i'm always scared during sectionals,
wanting to impress seniors,
wanting to play well,
wanting not to make a single mistake.
wanting not to make a fool of myself.

i don't know what to say.
what else do i have to say?
what?

i'm sorry?
i give up?
i want to quit?

i'm not someone who admits defeat that easily.
i'm not someone who likes to be misunderstood.
...
i'm someone strong on the outside,
weak on the inside.
so weak,
i'm starting to feel the pain already.

why?

i care.

i want our inunion.

i want to be accepted.

i want my batchmates to be happy.




all the ideas wanyi had about inunion,
about baking muffins, cookies and a cake for mr ong,
for batch, for seniors, even.
getting something for mr ong,
a hoodie we can all have in common.
we're trying so hard.
to do things well.
to gain recognition.




i don't know.
is doing this wrong?
what have we done wrong?
are we the worst batch ever?
why, directs?
tell us.
tell me.

i don't know.
i don't want to know.
i feel really heartbroken.

maybe we should just cancel inunion.
maybe we should just all get kicked out of band.
maybe we should just stop trying.

stop trying to be better.
stop trying to impress seniors.
stop trying to meet their expectations.
stop trying to understand them.
stop trying to do things well.

stop trying so hard.
nothing ever work out in the end,
anyway.